


love will ruin us

by TheHuskyDragon



Category: Death Stranding (Video Games)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, First Time, Hand Jobs, Loss of Virginity, M/M, Safe Sane and Consensual, Safewords, higgs has a Sam kink, seriously this is just about the games thing I’ve ever written
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-28
Updated: 2021-01-28
Packaged: 2021-03-13 20:15:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29034519
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheHuskyDragon/pseuds/TheHuskyDragon
Summary: Sam fucks Higgs for the first time
Relationships: Sam Porter Bridges/Higgs Monaghan
Comments: 1
Kudos: 31





	love will ruin us

**Author's Note:**

> Title vaguely taken from “tell me how all this, and love too, will ruin us” from Richard siken’s “Scheherazade”
> 
> This is about The Most safe sane n consensual thing I’ve ever, and probably will ever write, and it’s between a terrorist and a terrorist fucker
> 
> Very vaguely set in “we’re all going forward” but more like an au where Higgs is a virgin. This whole thing stemmed from some convos about how Higgs probably is very dumb when it comes to interacting with people (and therefore having sex) and is more all about reading people n shit
> 
> Done talking! Please enjoy
> 
> Edit: lmao I forgot to add a summary so. There’s one now

“Sam  _ Whatever-The-Fuck-Your-Last-Name-Is _ , I— you cannot act like all of the  _ atrocities _ I’ve committed aren’t-mmf.”

Higgs is frozen still, partially hunched over as Sam had grabbed him by the straps of his porting uniform and yanked him down to.. press their mouths together. 

Sam pulls away, and just. Walks away.  _ What _ . 

“What— what was that.”

Sam turns back to Higgs, squaring the load on his shoulders as his eyebrows knit softly. “A kiss?”

“Well,  _ yes _ , but why.”

He lets out an amused little huff, like Higgs was some petulant little child. “Beeeeecauseeeee… I love you?”

Higgs stared at him. The light breeze blowing through the tall grass and sparse rocks was the only sound between them for a long moment. 

“You… you know I love you, right?”

“I do.”

“And you know about kissing… right?”

Higgs opened his mouth, but no sound came out. Christ did he wish he still had his mask, the chiral one or the VOG mask, either one. Just so Sam didn’t have to stare at his ugly mug like that. 

“You’re fucken joking,” he starts laughing, making the few paces back to Higgs who is as sentient as the rocks dotting the landscape. 

He blinks into sudden awareness. “I’m— I  _ know _ about kissin, I know that- that…” he bites his lip, licking over them as if to taste Sam. “I know about it but I’ve never…”

“Wait… are you a virgin?”

“... yes?”

“...” Sam looks pretty stupefied himself for a moment, and then Higgs can smell his admiration from him. The fuck? “Well, now that we got eternity in front of us, I can teach you all you want about kissing, and then some more, yeah?”

“... okay,”

  
  
  
  


Higgs thinks about it, for days on end. It had plagued his thoughts day in and day out; fucking— he’s even had a dream or two about it.  _ Fuck _ . 

Sam seems like nothing had happened, like he’s done this goddamn thing before. … of course, because he  _ had _ done it before. 

He smacks a hand against his forehead.  _ Fuck _ . Of course. How could Higgs forget the one other relationship Sam’s ever had, where, at some point he’d kissed his wife and eventually  _ had sex.  _

Is… does Sam expect that from Higgs? Expect to know what he was doing? Higgs knows a lot of things; how to strategize, how to bring the end of extinction (he can still know how to do something if he fails), knows how to read people. 

_ That _ , he doesn’t know. 

“What was that?” Sam looks back at Higgs after hearing the smack. 

“A bug.”

  
  
  


“Sammy, do you want… to fuck me?”

Higgs had said  _ fuck it,  _ and threw the question out there before he could scheme a plan to ask him in the next four or five lifetimes (maybe then he’d learn what the fuck to do, or how to be any less awkward). Unfortunately for Sam, he’d been taking a drink of his Timefall Porter as Higgs asked the question, leading him to spit it out. 

Not the answer he was expecting, but funny nonetheless. 

“Jesus Higgs, warn a guy. But like. Yeah, I guess,”

“ _ You do?” _

When Sam looked back at Higgs, he suddenly looked like a very hurt, very tall kicked puppy. 

“Hey, I— Higgs… I’m not gonna force this onto ya, it’s a big thing and I don’t want to mess it up.”

_ He _ doesn’t want to mess it up? When it’s Higgs that’s terrified of… not being good, not being what Sam wants, not feeling good, not, not, not,  _ not _ . 

“Do you… do you want to?”

He does. He’s never felt this way in his entire, miserable life, but being with Sam… it brings it out of him. 

When he looks at him, thinks about him, smells and tastes him…

He’s not sure that the erection he’d gotten when they’d fought in the tar pit was  _ entirely _ from adrenaline. 

He’s tried to stifle the feelings, didn’t give them a goddamn chance to flourish. But… what if he did? Would that be the worst thing..? It’d be terrifying, that’s what. 

“Higgs?”

“I do. I do… but I don’t…”

“That’s okay. I don’t mind working through this slow,”

“...”

“Do you want me to kiss you?”

“Please…”

  
  
  


“Dude, fuckin. Orgasms are  _ great _ . Usually I don’t have time for it, especially while I was reconnecting America, but they’re like a cure-all for shit,”

“Really.”

“Yes  _ really _ ! Don’t look at me like I’m insane.” Sam nudges his shoulder, tone lighthearted and posture relaxed. He’s already got two whole cans of Timefall Porter in him. “You’ve really never jacked off before? None of your books proclaimed how  _ amazing _ sex is?”

Well, yes and no. The Egyptians never really held sex on any high pedestal, it was something that felt good so people did it. His books and Daddy both had a firm belief that post martial sex was where it’s at, between a man and a woman. 

Well. Hm. 

“You’ve seriously never jacked off before? Not  _ one _ time?”

Higgs hides a smile behind working his jaw, frowning down at Sam. Twisting his eyebrows up. 

“ _ Really _ ? Not once?” 

Squinting his eyes, Higgs tried to keep the frown steady as a black tear rolled down his cheek. Wringing his hands and knocking his knees together. 

“Higgs.” His smile broke through just the slightest bit. Sam moved to stand up, nearly pushing him off the cot. “You  _ are _ fuckin with me!” Erupting in laughter. 

_ Yes _ ! Exactly the reaction he was looking for. He may know little about… all this, but he’s starting to get what makes Sam tick, and what gets him to laugh. So… maybe he can handle it. 

  
  
  


He  _ can’t _ handle it. 

So yeah, turns out kissing is pretty great— despite being gross, but Higgs has certainly done very gross things before and never cared— even if they don’t do it much… Sam will give him a peck or two so frequently, when they wake up, when they’re getting ready, just randomly throughout the day, in the middle of Higgs talking to him, before they go to bed…

It’s a little suffocating but.. it’s  _ good _ . He likes it, even if half the time he can’t reciprocate. 

“Are you sure you like it? You stiffen up a lot… I can stop anytime yknow,”

“No!” Higgs replies way too fast, causing a smile to pass Sam’s lips. “It’s fine… I just… don’t know… how?”

Sam shrugs. “Yeah, I get that. You like it though, right?”

“Very much.”

“Cool. I’m taking a two week vacation in a bit, and you could join me if you want. Maybe then we could..?” He knocks his eyebrows up, voice going low as he trails off. 

Do  _ more… _ with  _ Sam _ . He would greatly enjoy it, and now that will be absolutely plaguing his thoughts until the time comes, and fuck. Probably afterwards too. 

And it does, because,  _ fuck _ . It’s  _ Sam _ . And he wants to fuck Sam or— or the other way around… he doesn’t know. It seems like a whole ordeal and such a waste of time, but everyone seems to like it so what the hell is he missing out on?

  
  


At some point in between then and whenever the vacation is (it’s hardly a vacation, they just aren’t taking up any orders for the timeframe), Higgs is on his back, Sam’s wonderful weight over him. He smells good… like wood, a forest despite such few trees still being around, sweat, something earthy. Sam rudely breaks his train of thought by suddenly pushing his tongue into Higgs’ mouth, like he’s searching every damn corner of it there is. 

He nearly bites Sam’s tongue off, reeling with the  _ feel _ , the  _ taste _ , with  _ Sam _ . He tightens his octopus-like hold on Sam, having let out an indignant yelp but not at all complaining. 

“You like that, huh?”

Sam rocks forward, closing the miniscule space between them as his belly rubs up against his hard cock. 

He freezes like a statue, something akin to fear chilling his blood. He doesn’t know why it pulls that reaction out of him but— maybe it’s him not realizing how his body was reacting before Sam found out. 

A warm hand on his cheek, “it’s okay, do you wanna continue? We don’t have to.”

A muted nod. Higgs didn’t think he could trust his voice if he tried. 

“More than just kissing? We don’t gotta go all the way yet.”

An almost tense moment passed. Another nod. 

“If I knew Mr Particle of God would be silenced by being horny, maybe I would’ve tried fucking you sooner.” Sam jokes, lifting up slightly; much to Higgs’ dismay as he had to release Sam from his grip. 

Higgs feels like he’s gonna explode, that his face would just melt off. It feels like his heart would burst out of his chest as Sam slides his big rough hands under his shirt, gliding over pale, scared skin—

“W-wait—“

Sam immediately pulls back, hands resting on Higgs’ hips… no hesitation, no urge to take more. “Did I hurt you?”

Higgs’ eyes are clenched tight shut for a moment until he looks off to the side. “Can we… can we keep my shirt on..?”

“Of course, babe,”  _ babe _ ? That sounds nice… “can I keep touching you under your shirt?”

Gaze still off to the side, Higgs realized how little air there is between them, despite there being plenty of space. He swallows thickly, trying to relax against the sheets again. Why is he so cold? He’s got all of his clothes on. “please,”

With Sam’s lips back on his— he’s starting to get used to it, starting to think of it as not something so- so holy and sacred. It was just meant to feel nice— Sam’s hands return to under his shirt, but make sure to not pull it up too far. 

He’s seen Sam naked so many times, had admired his body from afar, and from slightly closer… so why was he so terrified of Sam seeing him? There’s not a single fucking ounce of disgust in Sam’s movements or body language. 

“I love your face, yknow?”

“You do?”

“Fuckin— yeah. I like all of you.”

How? He hasn’t even seen most of Higgs, past his personality in and out. If anything, Higgs is feeling very undressed when it comes to any walls or proverbial masks he’s set up. Was it so easy for Sam to just… get through them? 

Sam kisses all over his face, grabbing his head between both hands, he absolutely drowns Higgs, fucking smothers him in kisses. His cheeks, his forehead (intentionally all over the tattoos there), his nose, over each eyelid, the stubble on his jaw. 

It feels like Higgs had just come out of a tar pit when Sam deems his face kissed enough. His vision swims, light he might fall over if he wasn’t cuddled under Sam on the cot. He’s trembling again, despite the fact that he’s pretty sure he’s sweating. 

“Yeah, okay,” he says dumbly, anything closely resembling a coherent thought absolutely annihilated inside of his head. Is his brain leaking out of his ears? It feels like it. 

Sam licks his lips with a soft grimace. “That really mascara and not tar?”

“I, uh.” He brings a hand up, swiping a tear from his cheek— when has he started  _ crying _ ??— and licks it. “Yeah. Do you… not like it?”

“Gettin all soft, just for me? When have you ever cared about how people thought of the way you look?” More kisses over his cheeks as fingers weave into his hair. 

Higgs makes an inelegant sound that Sam understood as,  _ I’ve always cared, dumbass, just didn’t let people think it got to me.  _

“I’ve killed people,” Higgs says in response to him  _ getting all soft _ , though he sounds about as strong-willed as a grain of sand. 

“Yeah, gonna kill me next? Just cuz I’m lovin you too much?” A hand returns to under his shirt, delving up and over his chest. Despite Sam’s radiating warmth, his trembling increases. 

“Ye— _ eep _ .”

“That was a cute sound,” Sam chuckles lowly, rubbing over the nipple he’d just pinched. Whatever  _ sound _ had come out of Higgs wasn’t even  _ human _ , it was plain embarrassing. 

“Asshole. Bastard… dumb lump of-of rocks…” his insults quickly dissolve into quiet gasps. 

“Ah yes, years of being a villain have totally paid off.” Sam trails kisses down his neck, nipping there and- and even that feels good. 

“J-just over a year,” he says through pants. “I was a good guy for much longer,”

After successfully sucking a hickey on his neck, Sam pulls back again, eyes raking over his form. It takes all of his strength to not cover himself up, to not hide away. 

“Can I take your pants off?”

Damn it… that would have to happen for them to continue, huh? Fuck…  _ fuck _ . The idea… doesn’t sound so bad, now that Higgs is thinking about it. Well, actually, it’s still fucking terrifying. But there’s… something… in the idea of Sam seeing him, of undressing him. 

“...Yeah,”

“You sure? We can stop anytime you need, I won’t bug you about it or force you.”

“I said yes!” Higgs rebounds, feeling impatient. 

Sam pushes him back against the sheets. “Actually, before we continue, I want us to talk over something.”

Before Higgs could even think of what Sam wants to talk about, panic fills his chest, hitching his breath. “Did- did I do something wrong?”

“What? No.” Sam kisses the corner of his mouth. Higgs turns to properly kiss him, but he’s already too far away. “I want us to have a safeword, just in case.”

“Safeword? What do we need one for?”

“You know what a safeword is? Then you should know what we need it for.”

“Yes Sammy, I’ve seen porn before but— we aren’t doing anything… extreme. … are we?” Of the little sex ediquitte he knows, safewords are especially used when “stop” has no meaning, or is apart of the act. Is— is  _ that _ what they’re doing??

That chuckle again, Higgs can see a flurry of emotions behind his eyes. He’s so open. So… carefree. Finally having a one-up against him. 

But… that’s not what this is. It isn’t some game they’re playing. They aren’t rivals or on different teams… they’re both trying to get to the same goal: pleasure. 

“No, but since it’s your first time, I want you to have a scapegoat.”

“What happened to ‘stop’?”

“Nothin wrong with ‘stop’! Just that sometimes sayin it can be hard, but saying the safeword is a little easier.”

He… gets that. He can understand that, “okay,”

“How about… Amelie.”

“ _ Amelie _ ?” The name is hushed, like just saying her name could summon her. 

“I’d say that works pretty well, yeah? We’d both stop right away.”

“I… yeah. Yeah, that’ll work. Can you kiss me again?”

Without another word, they’re kissing again. He thinks he’s starting to get it, but it.. it’s a little weird, so personal, so two-wayed.  _ Does that even make sense? He’s losing it.  _

Sam begins taking off his pants, going slow and not-subtly for Higgs to stop at any moment. Higgs slings his arms around Sam’s shoulders thinking,  _ how did I get so damn lucky? _

Button popped and zipper unzipped, they wrestle with the lack of space between them to get them off the rest of the way. Higgs bites back some self loathing, reminded just how much he hates every inch of his body. Sam, none the wiser to his thoughts, keeps sliding his hands up and down his thighs. Higgs is suddenly hyper-aware of every strand of hair on his leg, every scar he passes over. When his hand slides back up to his hip, Higgs hadn’t even realized his underwear had come off too. 

And fuck. He’s hard. In the weirdest painful-confusing way. Not painful as in some stabbing pain, but more like there’s a pressure. Faint but growing as fast as his impatience. He looks down at himself; botched circumcision scar (Daddy had been insistent on it even before his parents died, and higgs had gotten unlucky one night), not big enough that it gets in the way of walking (because  _ that’s _ an issue some people have?), but not small enough that he’d been embarrassed about it. He’d seen the fair cock here and there. Hadn’t liked it one bit, but turns out when you have a terrorist organization at your heels, and no real bathroom, you accidentally see a  _ lot _ . 

Not the point. He’s here and now, with Sam. 

“Aren’t you gonna undress?” His voice wavers, nearly fucking breaks. Is he some fuckin teen again? Fuck. 

“You want me to? I was thinking I could just focus on you this time around… if that’s okay.”

Higgs only having to focus on feeling good… yeah, he can do that. “Please continue,”

Like a good disciple, Sam latches back on the hickey he’d so generously sucked into his skin, making a sharp pang of sorts ring down his muscles. He twitches as he does it again, sighing when Sam licks over the bruise. 

Very suddenly— at least to Higgs; his eyes were clenched shut and head thrown back against the sheets— Sam’s hand closed around his length, giving him a firm, slick pump. 

First off: where’d he gotten lube? It’d felt like Sam has a million hands all over his body. Secondly; holy  _ fuck _ . 

“Don’t tell me you’ve never had an erection before,” Sam smiles against his neck. It’s stupid how the not-at-all-sexy words still make his cock jump in excitement. Fuck his hot, sexy voice. What the hell. 

“Of course I ha- _ ahh _ ,”

Sam seems to have a thing for interrupting him with pleasure. He wouldn’t mind if it wasn’t so… oppressive, stifling, new, so fucking good. 

“Sorry, sorry,” Sam chuckles and the vibrations pass through him like he isn’t even there, like hell dissolve right out of Sam’s grip and straight into the Seam. 

But he doesn’t, and Sam doesn’t sound sorry a single fucking bit. Higgs doesn’t complain when Sam continues stroking him. He’d never thought something so simple would feel so good. 

What would actual  _ sex _ feel like? The question makes him gasp, hips rutting up into Sam’s fist. That  _ also _ felt really good… and Higgs wastes little time to continue the movement. Something akin to a yelp comes from Higgs when Sam lightly pinches the head, coaxing a pearly drop of pre. 

“Fuck… why are you so good at this,” his voice is high, dangerously close to breaking. It feels like he can’t breathe, that every breath he pulls in is for nothing. 

“ _ I’ve _ actually jacked off before,” it’s like he’s bragging, “so I kinda know what to do,”

Sam tightens his grip on his cock, just barely, hardly a difference, yet Higgs tenses like Sam had said he’d cut the damn thing off. Pleasure shoots up his spine, fizzing out in his fingertips as he clenches around nothing. Is some low-level pleasure better worth all this embarrassment?

Only when Higgs takes a breath and calms down does Sam snake a hand to cup his balls. For a terrifying, erotic moment Higgs was scared Sam was going to finger him, but no such luck. He almost asks what’s the point in fondalling his sack before he realizes there’s an underlying sense of pleasure there too, an ease in the pressure that’s swallowed his whole groin. 

_ I think I’d rather just blow shit up, or just kill some people, _ he tries to tell himself as he rocks into Sam’s fist a little quicker. 

It feels like something emerges from deep within Higgs, something sharp and piercing, right in the center of him. He’s almost scared of it, of the implications— in his hazy sense, he realizes it feels alarmingly close to feeling voidouts, watching the life drain from someone’s eyes, from seeing and feeling and  _ experiencing _ Sam. While it’s daunting and horribly new, Higgs doesn’t want it to stop, wants it to never stop. 

“You close?” Sam’s voice is so close, right next to his ear. Every letter bouncing off the walls of his ears as he whines like a tea kettle. Sam kisses the fresh tear that had tracked down his face, moaning low himself. 

“S-Sam, I—“ he clutches to Sam, legs trembling like a leaf as his hips lose their rhythm and he bucks wildly against him. “Sam, Sam,  _ SamSamSamSam… _ ”

“You’re doin good Higgs. Cum for me, I love you so much.” 

How could he  _ possibly _ deny him?

The knot in his belly snaps, entire body tensing as his cock throbs. Sam strokes him through it, using his cum as further lube to guide the way. Higgs more or less loses his shit. Don’t blame him when he’s never felt anything like this before; rolling waves of  _ oh god oh fuck, more please Sam please. Don’t stop.  _

He cries out, a broken wail of a sound as his hips buck up into Sam’s grip, coaxing another few drops of cum outta him. Higgs shivers, body going lax with an exasperated sigh. 

Higgs is still catching his breath as Sam all but mashes their lips together, clean hand burying in his hair. “Fuck Higgs, that was— fuck,”

Higgs nips at his tongue to shock some sense into him for a minute. “Took the words right outta my mouth… is- is it  _ always _ like that??”

Sam stands up to wash his hands. “More or less, yeah. Do you understand why people have sex and masturbate now?”

Higgs had flopped back against the mattress, feeling weirdly exposed with his lower half bare, and his upper half still clothed, both uncomfortably warm and a bit chilled respectively. “I think so… fuck. If I had known that sooner then...”

Sam joins him back on the bed, throwing Higgs his underwear (not his pants, but Higgs didn’t think he could trust his legs to get them) and slides the both of them under the covers. 

Sam wraps an arm around Higgs, pulling him tight against his chest. “You felt good. And sound good. And looked good… I want you to think over how it felt and let me know if you want to try anything more or stay at the same pace.” Sam kisses the top of his head and Higgs snuggles against his chest, words at a loss. “I can wait for all of eternity, if that’s what it takes. I want both of us to feel as good as possible, to be equals.”

Higgs nods, trying not to let the tears in his eyes overspill. 

  
  
  


What is there to think about? Now that Higgs has been opened up to the world of  _ Sex _ , he only wants Sam to fuck him. 

Is this what his teenage years would’ve been like? Itching for the next time he gets the chance to jack off? Higgs almost declines the deliveries he has to do, just so he can masturbate for as long as his dick desires. 

It’s embarrassing, Higgs realizes, that something so simple, something everyone has the access to do, is nearly taking over the better part of Higgs’ subconscious. And he hasn’t even had sex yet! Is that what Sam wanted him to think about?

Or was it Higgs taking off his shirt? He seemed to really enjoy feeling him up (not to mention it felt alright itself) so he’d probably enjoy seeing him naked. 

Some time later, Higgs finds himself back in his old shelter. Each time he leaves, he tells himself he’ll never return. And yet…

He’s cleaned out plenty of the garbage around and had taken his books to the safehouse Sam and Higgs had been residing in. 

He stands in front of a dirty, tall mirror. He’d ditched his armor and mask. He then realized that he could not  _ possibly _ do this being able to see his face. 

With no other mirror, he resorted to more or less piling pictures of Sam onto the top half of the mirror. 

Atrocities to the eyes concealed, he just… stands there. He doesn’t know what to do, how to possibly overcome this stupid fear. 

Angrily ripping off his shirt, he can’t even bear to look at the mirror for a long, long, long moment. After opening his eyes and unclenching his fists, he looks at himself. 

It takes all of his effort to not look away, to not break the mirror and never leave the Beach again. But he doesn’t; doesn’t look away or break anything. He can’t remember the last time he’d actually looked at himself. 

Scars from bullets, from being stabbed, from being in Death’s clutches herself. Burn marks from cigarettes, fires, electrocution… half of his forearm is discolored from being dunked into near-boiling water at the crisp age of  _ seven _ . He can recall each scar from a broken bottle, a belt. Separately, he can also recall rope burns and skin rubbed raw from carrying too much cargo (new and old), from falling on sharp rocks, getting into fist fights. A misshapen left collarbone if you look closely. That one, along with the few other broken bones he’s endured were just about the worse… most of them were before he knew he was a repatriate— ohh, but Daddy knew just fine— so there was no “resetting” himself. 

Yeah… he doesn’t like his body. But… but Sam might… he hadn’t said anything about the scars littering his legs— which fared about as well as his torso, so maybe… it could be okay…

“All this effort,” he says to the mirror. He reminds himself that he’s doing this for Sam, that he wants Sam to be happy, to feel good and not have to worry about Higgs… for once, Higgs wants Sam to think about  _ himself _ , to not have to worry about freaking Higgs out. 

Higgs’ gaze bores into his own frame. He relaxes his spine, stands straight up, tries to return to what he was naturally but now every movement seems so  _ manual _ . Breathing in and back out reveals his ribs, how pale his skin is. He puts his hands on his hips, suddenly realizing how thin he is, a skeleton with some vague form of muscles attached to it. He grimaces, resolutely not letting his mind wander to what his face looks like screwed up like that. 

Sucking in a breath again, he feels along the edges of his ribs, intentionally jabbing himself there harshly,  _ just _ to be a bitch. He grunts and pulls his hands away. 

Through the pile of Sam’s pictures on the mirror, one must’ve slipped off, revealing only the hickey Sam had left on his shoulder. Higgs barely realizes that, yes, that is a part of his body. Hands slowly raising to touch it, he pokes that too. The pain is… it’s nice. Brings up nice memories, feelings… poking it again, it’s a kind of alluring pain. He likes it and would  _ very _ much enjoy Sam making more. 

_ Enough thinking for today.  _

The sound of the mirror breaking (after he’d retrieved those pictures of course), was the best part of his day. He leaves immediately as to not risk seeing his own face in the broken pieces. 

  
  
  


“Where’ve you been?” Sam’s sipping at that poisonous drink he loves so much. Maybe there was a reason it was called  _ Monster _ . 

“Self care. A God’s gotta keep his self image high too.”

“Mhm,” he’s looking through his emails as he half-listens to Higgs. 

“ _ ‘Mhm’ _ ? You think I was just swimmin around in self pity instead?” Higgs sits on the bed next to Sam, nearly swiping away the cuff link UI so he can pay attention to him. 

“Yeah, actually.” 

He says it so—  _ nonchalant _ . It makes disbelief on his face obvious. “ _ Excuse _ me?”

He sighs and throws the empty can into the trash, finally finished with his stupid fucking emails. “Yeah,  _ actually _ , Higgs. I know you. You’d be a lot more happier if you actually did some ‘self care’, like. Killing someone or something.”

Higgs starts to say his rebuttal, but… doesn’t. His shoulders sag a bit and he’s suddenly very aware of every fiber of his clothes he’s wearing. “You’re right, sorry.”

“Woah, what the fuck?”

“Huh?”

“The hell did you do with the real Higgs? Did you just  _ apologize _ ?”

“I did! Believe it or not, I’ll apologize when I’m wrong.”

Sam looks at him, expression kind of unreadable. Mouth pursed and eyebrows cocked as he stares straight at him.  _ Stop paying attention to me! _

“I have to actually be wrong to decide whether an apology is necessary,” he says like he’s explaining something difficult to a child. 

“There’s my Higgs,” Sam all but tackles him, falling onto the bed where Sam rests his weight on top him. So comfortable… Higgs isn’t sure whether Sam’s weight, or the closeness—emotional and physical— is what’s making it so hard to breath. 

“ _ Your _ Hi-mn. Mmm…”

He hums against Sam’s lips, tangling his long legs around Sam’s. Higgs relishes in greedily absorbing Sam’s heat, his scent, all of him. 

“Still wanna fuck next week?” Next week? That close already?

“Yeah,” Higgs replies way too soon, red dusting his cheeks. He swallows, takes a breath. “I do… really do,”

“Cool,” Higgs can tell Sam’s trying not to seem too excited himself. Alas, Higgs knows Sam in and out, and his excitement is basically pouring from him. “If you don’t wanna, or you don’t want me to fuck you specifically between then and now-“

“I’ll  _ tell _ you, I  _ know _ Sam. I promise, if you’re really doing something I don’t like,  _ I will tell you _ . Hell, I’ll void ya on the spot just to get you to stop.” Higgs lightly tugs on Sam’s hair like they’re reins, hands settling buried in the brown locks. Higgs’ brain reels when he feels Sam’s gruff voice on his lips. 

“Yeah, okay.”

  
  
  


Higgs was antsy by the time their vacation arrived. Weren’t you supposed to  _ relax _ on a vacation? It’s not so much he was anxious, more so that he was just  _ really _ excited. 

Does Sam even wanna do it on the first day? Or does he want to wait until he’s relaxed a bit? What if he didn’t expect Higgs to be so eager for it?

Higgs nearly jumps out of his skin when Sam claps a hand on his shoulder. “Goddamn. What stick jumped up you ass?”

“I’m excited,”

Sam’s got a look of confusion on his face before he realizes, “oh! Oh yeah?” And a knowing almost invisible blush jumps to his cheeks. “Yeah alright. Lemme get settled in,”

  
  
  


Higgs lays reclined (like a cat, Sam would say) on the bed. He’s turned away from the running shower.  _ Did _ he really want this? Yes, absolutely. But…  _ did he? _ He has some impending sense of doom if he’ll lose this… this air of purity over himself even though just about everyone has already done this and fared  _ just _ fine. 

The shower stops, and it feels like his heart does too, for a moment. It takes a lot of himself to not jump away onto the beach, or just anywhere else. 

“I’m gonna tell you this one more time, Higgs.” Higgs turns over, fully expecting Sam to have  _ something _ on, a towel, pants at least, but  _ no _ ! This fucker was naked as the day he was born!

_ Sure is a fucker alright… _

“You can stop whenever, and I won’t force you or anything to continue. And this isn’t some… game or whatever,” Sam steps closer to Higgs, frozen in… terror? Eagerness? Arousal? “This is so both of us can feel good,”

God, Sam’s right  _ there _ . Scent strong even after a shower, body bare to the elements of the room, all of his repatriation stencils on display. And… Higgs’ gaze falls down to between his legs. He’s not even hard yet, and yet he looks like he’s carrying around a goddamn tree between his legs. How does that thing not get in the way? How does it fit in  _ anyone _ ? He’s cut, a much finer line than what his own Daddy gave him. Like a second kick to the gut, Higgs sees the cross scar on Sam’s stomach. If he could get harder he would. 

Higgs recalls that he  _ has _ in fact seen Sam naked, most vividly at times when he was on the beach, and Higgs took time to fuck with him. How had he missed that amazing scar?

“Fuck,” the word is spat out. “You’re.. you…”  _ this is it, this is where my brain leaks out of my head. I’ll never be able to feel him inside me cuz I’ve died! _

No such thing happens, and Sam crawls onto the bed atop Higgs, more or less sitting on Higgs as he kisses him. Higgs thinks it’s raining outside, pretty sure it is… is he so worked up that he made it rain?

He can’t help but snake his hand along that scar on his belly… Higgs is suddenly very  _ very _ tempted to cut Sam open here. His knife would look  _ so _ good embedded inside him… a little out of his mind, Higgs digs his nails into the skin there. Sam grunts above him— and godd _ amn, that _ ’s one hell of a sound— and takes Higgs’ hands in his own by the wrists, lifting them above his head. It’s easy for Sam to hold his thin wrists in one hand, and it’d be even easier for Higgs to pull out of his grip. Sam slides his free hand up Higgs’ shirt, notably careful as to not let the shirt ride up too much as he licks and bites at his neck. 

“Y-you can take it off, Sammy,” he stammers, not quite feeling like the high and mighty  _ God Particle.  _

“W-really? You sure Higgs?” He can tell Sam was weary, but can also vividly smell how his arousal spikes. 

“Do it before I change my mind,” he says with fake snark in his voice. His face is red as he turns his head to the side. He immediately turns back as Sam pulls away, settling between his legs as Sam kisses along his belly. 

He pops open the button on his pants, pulling down his underwear too. Higgs opens his mouth before a ragged moan slips out, body tensing as Sam very suddenly wraps his mouth around Higgs. 

He more or less loses his shit, cuz  _ yeah _ , it feels so, so  _ fucking _ good. Higgs falls back against the sheets, inadvertently thrusting his hips up. Sam gags softly, grabbing Higgs’ hips to keep him steady. Higgs gets that funky feeling wanting to make Sam gag as he did wanting to cut him open… it makes the already right knot in his belly tighten. 

Higgs screams when Sam takes him to the hilt. 

It’s just for a moment, immediately pulling back all the way to cough and blink tears out of his eyes. But— but that’s fine; Higgs is certain he’d have busted if Sam stayed on him. Sam plants wet kisses all over his thighs— later, Higgs will realize it’s over the scars littering his skin there— trailing up his hips, licking along his length before continuing up his abdomen. 

Sam pulls up his shirt, keeping it above his chest, baring him to whatever poor Bridges worker has to monitor these rooms. 

_ Oh that’s amazing _ , Higgs thinks as Sam nips a spot on his belly, a squeak coming from him,  _ they gotta listen to me scream and get fucked by Sam! Hope ya don’t get jealous cuz I’m not sharing! _

Higgs arches his chest toward Sam’s face when his wandering tongue finds a nipple. Everything feels so good, Higgs thinks he’s gonna drown in it. He doesn’t want to do anything but fuck; how can other people function. 

Sam sits up, properly taking Higgs shirt off. To keep his mind off the fact that he’s completely naked, he looks up at Sam’s face. It’s somehow worse. 

He’s got this big dumb smile on, relaxed and Higgs can see Sam’s strong pulse on his neck. Higgs finds he’d  _ really _ like to bite him there. His hair hangs around his face, barely concealing the blush that’s reaching to his ears at this point. If this wasn’t real life, Higgs swears he’d see fucking hearts in the place of Sam’s pupils. 

“D— don’t fuckin… look at me like that,” barely able to tear his gaze away, he settles his hands on Sam’s shoulder to stop himself from covering himself up. 

“Why? You’re beautiful, Higgs,”

“N-... I’m not…” except Higgs can tell that there’s only pure  _ fucking _ earnesty in his tone, that he isn’t trying to cover up his disgust because there  _ isn’t _ any. 

“You are,” Sam says, kissing over his face; cheeks, eyelids, forehead, nose, ending at his lips. “It’s like your body tells a story, I guess. And I like lookin at it, lookin at you. I know it can be a lot but.. if it is too much-“

“It’s— it's fine…” it is too much, but he doesn’t want to admit it, doesn’t want to admit that he doesn’t hate it. “I’m fine… ‘s just new.”

“I get that,”

Sam pulls back again and leans off to the side, grabbing a small bottle of lube. How hadn’t Higgs noticed that? Secondly, where did he  _ get _ it? Did Bridges just… have that shit on demand?

Thoughts cut short, an indignant noise comes from Higgs as Sam touches his hole with a cold, wet finger. 

“Sorry, sorry… shoulda wanted this stuff up,” very, very slowly sliding a finger in, Sam’s eyes flick between Higgs’ expression (debauched, most likely, face red and makeup runny… he’s looked better) and how his hole clenches around the digit. 

Higgs nearly goes insane at how long it takes for Sam to slip in another. Past the uncomfortable feeling, he can feel how he’s starting to stretch around his fingers. How is he gonna fit Sam’s obscenely huge dick? Future Higgs will have to worry about that— and think in-depth how amazing it’d feel for Sam to go in underprepared— as Sam eventually squeezes in a third. There’s a twinge of pain for a while, but the reapplication of lube and Sam’s constant movements have the better sensations reamurge. 

“H-have you done this before?” Higgs gets out, fingers clenched tight in the sheets. 

“Not really, I guess,” he’s so nonchalant about it, like he’s telling him about the weather, eyes glued to “the eye of the storm” (the thought of calling his asshole  _ that _ makes him chuckle under his breath). “At least not with someone else.”

“Wh _ -really _ ?” He’s panting hoarsely, hips bucking to and fro. “Seriously? I don’t believe you,”

“I haven’t done it with another man,” as if that clears much up. “Does it feel good?” He looks up past his hard cock. 

“You’re lookin at your answer,”

“A boner doesn’t necessarily mean it feels good, but I’ll take that as a yes.”

Another infuriatingly long eternity later, and more lube, Sam deems him stretched out enough. Kissing his way back up to Higgs’ mouth, Higgs feels Sam’s own erection against his leg. 

“Jesus. Doesn’t that thing ever get in the way?” Higgs growls as he wraps his legs around the other man. Built like a brick shithouse… how is it that not every single person is constantly gagging for that dick?

Sam chuckles, a deep rumbling sound that basically zaps Higgs’ dick with pleasure. Sam loosens Higgs’ legs around his waist, folding him in half as he pushes his legs forward. The air in his chest rushes out at the sudden movement, before he gasps it back as Sam presses up against his hole. 

Higgs can’t even scream, or gasp or wail or  _ anything _ , because the oppressive, absolutely wonderful feeling of Sam forcing himself into him is- it’s—

It’s a lot for one man to take, and Higgs grabs hold to Sam’s shoulder when he’s only half way lodged inside him. He’s gonna cum, surely, before Sam even starts. 

“Holy shit fuck.  _ Goddamn… _ mother of…” Higgs pants, breaths puffing out shakily as the muscles in his legs tremble. “Does— does it really..  _ always _ feel like this?”

“Good?” Sam manages, struggling not to thrust fully in. “Yeah, just about. … can I..?”

“Please,” Higgs begs, blinking tears out of his eyes. “Fuckin-  _ please _ Sam.”

Sam nods, easing himself the rest of the way, forcing his way into Higgs, rearranging his guts to fit inside until he was hilted. 

Higgs’ balls draw up, very dangerously close to cumming by now. Would they have to stop if he came? He didn’t want that, didn’t want this to ever end. 

Then Sam pulls out, a long grueling stroke, friction and feeling so empty, until he pushes back in. 

And—  _ yeah _ . That’s how the rhythm goes, in and out, and goddamn is it good. Too good; he doesn’t even have a word for it as any coherent thoughts are punched from him. 

Moaning open mouthed, voice broken as he chokes on a sob, Higgs pulls Sam down against him. He’s bent further in half as he kisses Sam, and then— then Sam’s cock hits  _ something _ really,  _ really _ good on the next thrust in. It makes him scream, writhing under Sam as he hits it  _ again _ . The pressure between his legs grow, the sensation of having to piss showing itself under the overwhelming pleasure. “S-Sam..?”

“It’s okay,” Sam sounds broken himself, like he’s telling  _ himself _ it’s okay, “t-that’s normal… feels nice don’t it?” Punctuating his words, another thrust makes Higgs’ eyes roll back, a strangled groan eking between clenched teeth. “Yeah,” Sam says at the visage before him. “yeah.”

Then, his thrust picked up in speed, and therefore intensity. Higgs’ hole clenches tight around him, not at all stopping the rough pace, from Sam’s cock pummeling his insides. “Sam! Sam, oh fuck.” He sobs, holding onto Sam. He’s positive he’s going to die from pleasure, going to be taken away from him. 

Then he cums,  _ hard _ . Head thrown back and muscles spasming, Sam grunts as Higgs tightens around him like a vice. Cum shoots out from Higgs’ dick, making a mess where they’re stomachs meet. It only takes a few more thrusts for Sam to cum too, growling in his ear as he fills him up more, viscous seed staining his insides, marking him. 

“Sam,” Higgs’ chest heaves with a sob, “ _ Sam _ , Sammy…”

The aftershocks course through him, and even though that still feels so wonderful, he can’t stop crying, can’t help but bury his face in Sam’s shoulder. 

“Sam— what…” he whimpers. Sam’s still lodged inside him, soft but no less filling. 

“You’re okay,” Sam runs a hand through his hair, “it happens. Especially since this was your first time.”

Eventually Higgs manages to calm down, relaxing on the sheets. Sam had gently laid himself on Higgs, not moving from inside him. “Is… does that always..?”

He shrugs, still catching his breath, chest rising and falling steadily. “Not always. With vanilla stuff like this you get used to it,” he plays with strands of Higgs’ hair. “You liked it right? It’s fun, huh,”

_ Fun _ ? Fun was a fucking understatement. How can Higgs possibly  _ not _ spend the rest of eternity fucking?

“I really enjoyed it Sammy.. I really did. I’m glad that you… indulged me,”

“Indulge,” Sam huffs out a laugh, kissing Higgs, “but yeah, now you’ve been granted premium access to the world of sex.”

“What an invitation,” Higgs kisses him back, moving his legs to rest around his hips. 

“Wanna get all cleaned up? I’m beat,”

  
  
  


They have two weeks off… two weeks all to themselves. 

**Author's Note:**

> Tumblr is Higgs-the-god
> 
> As always, comments n kudos greatly fuel me


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